The saying goes “work smarter, not harder,” but what if instead of working smarter, you worked really, really hard creating a lie so elaborate it eventually involves the cops to avoid working at all? It doesn’t sound like the best plan, because it’s not, but it does make for a good story.
Police in Coolidge, Arizona found 19-year-old Brandon Soules next to a water tower, bound and gagged. He told the police that he had been abducted from his home by two masked men, then knocked unconscious by his kidnappers and driven around the town before being dumped by a water tower. Holy shit, right? This is a pretty major deal, or at least it would be if any of it were true.
After no evidence of the kidnapping whatsoever was found, Soules admitted that he made the whole thing up to get out of going to work.
But wait, there’s more.
Soules also told authorities that he was kidnapped because his dad hid a large stash of money somewhere in the town — which is also not true. Maybe it’s just me, but “I was kidnapped and left tied up alone in the middle of nowhere” feels like a sufficient enough excuse to get out of work. Throwing in “my dad buries his wealth in hidden locations like he’s a pirate which is why I was kidnapped” at the end is a touch unnecessary. That’s like calling in fake sick to work and telling your boss, “Yeah I have the flu. It’s awful, I’ve got the thickest mucus pouring out of my nose non-stop, it’s like a fondue fountain. Not to mention the hot liquid shits that fire out of my ass every 20 minutes. Essentially I’m just exploding out of every hole. Anyway I’ll be in tomorrow!”
All you gotta do is say you’re sick, man. Just stop there, for the love of god.
On top of everything about this plan being a completely terrible idea, Soules made the critical mistake of not wiping the security camera in his home that clearly showed he was not kidnapped. Not even a little bit.
Honestly though, it takes some serious ingenuity to drop yourself off by a water tower without leaving some clear evidence that you just walked there, not to mention convincingly tying your own hands behind your back. His employer probably was not too impressed, but I am, Mr. Soules. I am.
More on this story can be found on ABC15